ok so open relationships work….for SOME people…and i say good for them BUT when a couple is so good together, and one insists on an OPEN relationship while the other wants to be exclusive, well i think that’s sad. really tragic. it’s like the one person who wants the open relationship SO fucking bad is selfish and is so much more in love with his own desires than to make a potentially amazing relationship work. god forbid he COMMIT to me in any concise way.  i’m mad because i really love richard. there’s been a lot he’s done for me, especially making me laugh and on a naughtier note, he really expanded my horizons sexually.  more on that later…

i still can’t forget the hurt he caused me when he fucked some skank in october. i’ve been insecure since then. i’m shocked that he doesn’t ‘get’ why i’m so insecure about “us” because he doesn’t see his actions (fucking that skank i can’t stand) as wrong so when i told him last night that it felt like betrayal, he was totally flabbergasted. he’s not stupid but he DOES think he really KNOWS women.  in his mind he’s NOT trying to “have his cake and eat it too” but rather he’s mister honesty and open about wanting an open relationship.  why can’t we just be happy and enjoy adventures together?  i hate the idea of an open relationship. it seems so shallow and my feelings for him are anything but shallow. i am for open in terms of being honest but this whole “gee, i like you a lot but i wanna fuck other people anytime”  part really grinds my gears!  he doesn’t ‘get’ that his attitude makes me feel like i’m never special. i will never be ENOUGH. i’m never sufficient. he’s 44. he will not change. he told me last night that he is so serious about his freedom that he would put ANYTHING second to his freedom. his freedom comes first. i know he’s serious. i know he is. like i told him, i’m OK with having 3-ways…i’m kinky too but i think boundaries are crucial. he wants it all open dopen lopen topen….must be nice to feel like you can date a wonderful woman like me (giving, thoughtful, adoring, funny, smart, creative, adventurous) and be FREE TO FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES…yes i’m bitter because i finally found THE ONE i have been looking for all my life and after feeling a major connection with him, i can’t shake that this OPEN relationship thing is just a huge huge point of conflict. why do i have to feel bad about wanting to just be with the guy i like….like a lot….i mean why do i have to feel so defensive? since WHEN is it a BAD thing to just be a good person, with a man i adore.  i expect he’ll never say “i love you”….i can’t imagine him being so giving.  yet, he’ll talk to me about Buddhist ideas, concepts, and how Buddhists are big on compassion. hmmm, WHERE IS HIS COMPASSION?  compassion is about being selfless whereas his wanting to fuck anyone anytime is TEXTBOOK SELFISHNESS and some say immaturity.  he’s shared SO much with me. stuff he doesn’t tell just anyone.  there is something really great about US….i don’t want to lose that. i really like being around him. i know him so well now, after the past 2 months. i say that because even he told me last night some things that were too personal to type here (i respect his candor)  but trust me, it made me feel special because i could tell he shares the info with VERY few people. in these times, i DO feel special. however, i hate his glib attitude like well, this is what i feel….sorry if you don’t like it….he’s so unrepentant. i like that he’s strong in who he is. i get that. it’s great. it’s solid. i feel he needs to really stop running away from intimacy of getting truly close. i think he’s terrified and i don’t know why. he SAYS he is scared of what we have together.

i always wanted to ask him something and last night i did…i asked him, so, baby, what’s the longest relationship you’ve had? he said 6 years. i said well, what went wrong? he said he just one day decided he and she would be better friends. that makes me feel like if he just gets a feeling, a fleeting feeling even, then i’m out the door? i mean what the fuck?

2010 was OUR year. we got back together, we did SO much together. he missed each other. it was intense. like a real boyfriend. TONS of sex. fucking constantly.  the standouts to our passion are how we can’t seem to get enough. we’ve gotten so much closer lately. he misses me. makes a ton of small gestures to make me feel special….so why am i hungup on the “open’ thing?  i don’t want to lose him. i love his smell, his cock. his hands. his humor. i love that i’ve known him 5 years. i love that we have something special…i feel for him something i’ve only felt 2 times in my life. so i am scared too. i love my freedom too.  he was too drunk to have such a real discussion. i felt bitchy.

my mind is racing…….manic mind fucks are NOT pleasant.  i’m going to bed now. yes, this is why i have such bad dreams…i fucking never sleep because my mind’s running nonstop. i think, mull over and over-think stuff.  i gotta get a grip on my life…..shit.

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ok so if you red my previous posting, you know i was totally heartbroken by the man i love, fuck, adore. betrayal is so horrible it should be a four-letter word. in my opinion, it is.  HOWEVER, as bad as i hated Richard at the time and for a good 2 weeks solid after the incident, i must admit i’ve learned a lot about myself, him and us as a couple.

first, i am way too nice. second, i put others ahead of myself. my own needs seem to come second to all else. if i’m honest, this is shown in 2 major ways–my teeth need MAJOR help from bleeding gums (gingivitis is so knocking on my door) and i need to lose major weight. thirdly, i settle for second best as we never should but often do. fourth, i really REALLY love a man who can make me laugh. I love to laugh. In fact, I think I LIVE TO LAUGH. so laughter is a great medicine. trite but true.

call me crazy but as much as i hate him, i love that he’s not a liar.  my joke punchline to that is ‘yeah, he’s a real gem because he never lies–HE’D RATHER TELL YOU THE SELFISH TRUTH TO YOUR FACE!’ (ahem…)  sure he’s a dickhead, douchebag asshole for hurting me but he’s NEVER lied to me and that (all his mistakes notwithstanding) does mean a lot. of course, i know in my heart that my dad would have KICKED HIS ASS if he was alive and knew Richard hurt me so bad and so disrespected me. but he can’t, he had the nerve to die in 2006 on a fucking “deathcycle” aka Harley motorcycle. however, if ever i feel upset about something, i swear if i use the test of ‘what would daddy say?’ the answer is obvious 99% of the time.

my dear father passed in 2006 and frankly i think that is a whole other level of issues i have…namely, GRIEF and LOSS and on a more general diagnosis, if i may, i would suggest i have my biggest issues with FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. case in point?

  1. my first true love,NRW was killed in 2003 when we were both 23. i was deeply traumatized because it was a sudden, senseless murder that got even coverage in the New York Times. (no, i will NOT give a link to it her & now; i can’t.)
  2. i was adopted at birth (4 days old) and had THE best parents but when i was 25 i finally found my birthmother. SHE IS A HORRIBLE, BITTER, ANGRY, TOXIC WOMAN. she wants nothing to do with me. she says i remind her of a bad time in her life, mainly that she was forced (she was only 19 when i was born in 1969) to give me up for adoption. she’d wanted me desperately but was forced by her evil mother who was cruel to her. as a woman i feel bad for her but part of me is still a tiny sweet heart yearning for her to LOVE ME. adoptees often have ABANDONMENT ISSUES  which in my case and many others, is NO reflection on their childhood and/or adoptive parents but rather what i consider to be a primal urge to be LOVED by the MATERNAL FIGURE who carries is in her womb for 9 months. i still feel hurt by my birthmother’s vicious words i only hear of secondhand from my siblings. sometimes one of the 2 i keep in touch with happen to let it slip that Joyce (my birthmother’s name) was talking shit about how she hates me, how i am NOTHING like her, how she can’t believe i came out of her because i am NOTHING LIKE HER…blah blah….well if you saw her, you’d see how much (sadly) i DO INDEED look like her in weird DNA way (nature, not nurture) like how we have the same boobs (huge) and same calves (killer hot legs) and great skin….BUT i agree, i am nothing like her in terms of her bitterness, white trash mentality, etc. she talks shit about how i’m a snob…not true, but i admit i LOVE nice things. so what? that does NOT make me a snob! we both sing well. i mean we both amazing singing voices. i sang at carnegie hall in 1996 and she sang a solo at the 1967 world’s fair in Montreal aka EXPO 67. the silver lining in the adoption issue. the nice surprise was finding out i have 4 half-siblings (3 boys, 1 girl) who knew of me all their lives. they’d known of me but i never knew of them! imagine our tears of joy upon meeting each other in 1995. even now, i am especially close with 2 of the siblings, the middle son (J., 24) and only daughter (hence my only sister, T., now 22)

then in 2006 a mere 5 months after my dad was buried, the house was opened up to vultures who swooped down and invaded our home for the dreaded Estate Sale. seeing your life, your family memories being sold and having prices put on them was traumatic.  my mo sold our home right from under me without any consult with me whatsoever. one day a lady was walking around with a clipboard and before i knew it, the house was listed and sold within a few months. bye house. bye to all semblance of family as i’d known it for the 1st 30 years of my life. gee thanks, mom.

but let’s redirect, this is about my heart mending. as for my father, yes, time heals but only a LITTLE. i can function now without crying every hour. that’s a huge chunk of progress. i was a wreck when daddy died, so i tell myself i should be glad i can finally laugh again…which brings me to Richard, strangely enough. THE ONE EPIPHANY I HAD AFTER THE BETRAYAL WAS THAT RICHARD (despite his many fuckups and foibles) IS THE ONE WHO GAVE ME MY LAUGHTER BACK. he makes me laugh. my daddy always did. only after really feeling TRUE DEEP LAUGHTER again in my body did i realize that WOW…Richard makes me laugh so hard and i haven’t done that since dad died. Richard ain’t perfect although my Dad almost was…but i will say that feeling the laughter in my body return gives Richard major brownie points. I’m not saying all is forgiven…or FORGOTTEN (!) but yeah, we’re trying to mend it.  One week after the big incident, Richard and I were meeting up for the 1st of 2 Halloween parties where we went as Russell Brand and Katy Perry. After the first party, I sat mute on his couch and he knew I was pissed. We TALKED. i mean REALLY talked. i screamed. i vented. i ranted. i went ballistic. and for what it’s worth, Richard took all my shit. he took it like a man. let me go ballistic. i almost cried. when the storm has come and gone (so to speak) what it came down to is Richard asking me, “please, baby, how can we put this behind us? i want to move past this. i has no idea you were so upset.”…i don’t know how he couldn’t have know i was pissed but hey, i was pissed. he KNOWS it now.  we really TALKED and that’s what i want. a man who i can be TOTALLY open with 24/7. one of my favorite text messages from Richard was from the summer. he text’d me “you know you can always ask me anything. no limits”….this is why i love him.

betrayal 10-21-2010

Posted: November 28, 2010 in betrayal, manhattan, manic, nyc, sexuality

i could rant & bitch…but this IM chat with my sexy friend Mimi in Miami says it all

i’m just now posting this after thanksgiving because i couldn’t bear to dwell on it at the time. i needed a little space. i’ll be catching up soon in terms of current life stuff and posting in a more timely manner.

thanks for reading!

 ♥



Me:  I got a writing gig! I am writing for examiner.com!

Mimi : awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Me: how exciting. and yes i get paid. only a little. but it’s cool.

mimi : My baby’s a gifted wrter

Me: aw yeah. thanks honey. i wanna be your baby SO MUCH. i wish you were here. i am TOTALLY heartbroken. but i’m more pissed than hurt

mimi : why, why? tell me, love?

Me: i cannot tolerate disrespect. you know? so yeah i think richard is a TOTAL asshole.

mimi : wow… what happened?

Me: i wanted to hear him a new asshole. oh yeah….just when things are getting so perfect btw us, he fucking ruins it…pun WAS intended. ahem…yes it’s major.

mimi : he was cheating?

Me: i smoked pot last night and had a beer then a few vodka cocktails AND it was a full moon, SO that coulda had somethin to do with my mood. worse than cheating. that i could handle, in a way MUCH better than this. honey…..i want to cry. i can barely type this.

mimi : type it…what’s up

Me: a kinda kinky but not raunchy but FUN party….held monthly it’s a party called Lip Service. we’ve gone a few times. it’s always been sexy fun. not raunchy but a little naughty. sexy crowd, mainly couples.

mimi : yeah…you told me you were going to?

Me: a “kissing party” they call it. you have to dress to impress. chic sexy “bordello” dress. you know, dark red lighting, velvet chaise lounges to recline on and someone always starts a game of spin the bottle. silly but sexy.

mimi : uh huh

Me: so we went. i smoked pot before. i’d been stressed. so maybe that made me PARANOID….oh geez louise, but anywho so i was just kinda bummed bc a few couples we always chat with there didn’t come. it’s monthly so it’s like ok, so what but i dunno i just kinda felt ‘off’ all night then after 1am richard and i were making out and it was so sexy and he was kissing me so erotically and it was all so great….we were JUSt getting to leave, almost headed to the door when this FUCKING BITCH comes up way too strong, like just eww. i was not into her. she said, so do you 2 wanna have a 3-some? richard gets all fucking slapass stupid like he’s never had pussy right? FUCK…i mean my god what a douchebag. so i stand there and i say nothing. like DUH bitch i am not into you. richard starts grinding her, grabbing her tits and he’s walking out taking her with him to his apt 1 block away. so i grab the bitch’s boyfriend and he’s SUPER great and nice. we just chatted. nothing sexual. so he and i felt like the 3rd wheel…open is one thing but he starts fucking her right in front of me. i almost threw up. i was literally sick. i ran to the bathroom while he kept fucking her and she was screaming, moaning, and i was going CRAZY with rage.

mimi : wtf

Me: i felt sick i want to kill him. it came outta nowhere.

mimi : what’s up with that…

Me: sure, my god you know i am all down with a 3way but only with YOU, baby!

mimi : that’s what rookie would do

Me: i am SELECTIVE. but no…….this bitch was skanky. thank god he used a condom but still……then he was so tired after fucking HER with me crying in the bathroom down the hall, that he had the NERVE to crawl into bed and i was stuck on the couch alone. I GOT NO SEX! NONE. that bitch was skanky. was said it was all aobut HER. her! AS IF!!

mimi : baby…

Me: AS IF!!!! “bitch,” i said “it’s not. it’s about ME not you!”

mimi : but here’s the thing….

Me: i am so mad. how DARE he disrespcect me. i know. i kinda asked for it. the whole OPEN thing right?

mimi : once you see that his judgement is flawed like that…it’s hard to trust that he even used a condom

Me: no, i saw him. he did see him put it on. but i feel he has NO class. i mean to demean me? how dare he!

mimi : plus… he would do it again? you saw him fuck her?

Me: he clearly doesn’t value me. THAT makes me sad. yes….at first he was like, go eat lisa’s pussy while i finger you…

mimi : that’s what disheartening

Me: then i saw him put on a condom and he started pounding her from behind with her facing me. seeing her moan and her face and screaming while MY man is in her made me wanna vomit. i got so sick of it, being such a 3rd party to it that i ran out. he never asked about me. never came for me.

mimi : what happened to her b/f?

Me: then i she was a LOUD nasty bitch. ricahrd has 2 roommates. imagine my HORROR when i am in the kitchen and the roommate hears fucking sounds from the hallway and i am in the kitchen and richard is clearly NOT fucking me. oh he was a total gentleman. he felt so bad for me that he sat in the bathroom with me while i cried.

mimi : oh, baby….

Me: he just talked to me. told me that maybe the open thing isn’t for me. he was so nice. he loves my texan voice. he told me he has a thing for tx girls! i told him i should “get back” at richard by riding his cock in front of that bitch and richard. haha. he says he doens’t mind her fucking others…..i said not me. i want richard or at least agree who we fuck. i am for 3ways but VERY picky. he felt SO bad for me…..but richard kept saying “lisa, baby what’s wrong”? like how dare he! he asked, lisa why did you leave the room? HOW CAN HE HAVE BEEN SO CALLOUS????????????????? HOW?

mimi : honey… he basically ruined it

Me: DAMN……..I WAS AFRAID YOU’D SAY THAT. now i really am upset

mimi : even if you guys mend up … it can not be the same.

Me: why? he was so nice even like 15 min before that.

mimi : he did

Me: it was weird

mimi : that was so fuckin’ brainless of him

Me: he was so into me and this bitch kept asking me if i was OK with her fucking richard…i stood there and said nothing…so richard grabs her and says OH YES LISA IS TOTALLY FINE WITH THAT”….bullshit. that was so fucking cruel….and how DARE he speak for me! how dare he. honey you know i LOVE being vocal but she was skanky!

mimi : yuck

Me: i tried at first but laid on my back and she pulled my fishnet tights down and she started eating my pussy. but i was SO not into it. i can’t stand her. i fucking hated her nasty snatch and cheesy tacky blonde platinum dye job. can you imagine? i was SO turned off. and here i am lying on my back, she is btw my legs trying to eat me (gross) and here comes mister fucker all hard…. and he starts plowing her with me right under her! the girls’ boyfriend is watching. he told me he is a voyeur. that’s fine for them. i get it. but i wasn’t respected. PERIOD. that’s cool. no prob. ok? but he felt bad for me. he did. omg he text’d me 3 times after they left. he felt so bad. he really liked me. and was in a cool way. not sexual but like “look, lisa, i liked mtg you. i am sorry you got hurt.” I FEEL TOTALLY DEGRADED. watching richard’s face made me sick. he was so horny. she is fat. way fatter than me. i was grossed out. wasnt that just insulting? HE HAS BEEN SO WONDERFUL…i just felt like it wasn’t the richard i have been with. and it’s not like he doens’t get enough. we were fucking so much…. but i saw, he DID use a condom. with her he did. the sounds were the worst part. NOT GOOD. i literally felt nauseous! !!!! she had the nerve to say, well i’m all for a 3-way what’s in it for me? so of course she left and the guy went with her….and then ricahrd left me alone. alone!

mimi : what the fuck…

Me: i am there, after the sounds of hell and torture, he goes to bed, to sleep. SNORING RIGHT AWAY. SAYS HE TIRED. SORRY LISA I AM TIRED……

mimi : what do you mean…alone. He left?

Me: as if i wanted him then! no no… i was left alone. on the couch. he was in his bed. i was stuck on the couch.

mimi : ohh…fuck

Me: him snoring, me fuming, manic, SO MANIC!

mimi : lousy

Me: no sex, none

mimi : even if he wanted sex… now you’re replused

Me: that girl’s boyfrined did kiss me so sweet. but nothing sexual. i only saw the guy’s cock bc i was crying in the bathroom and he came in there to console me and then he said well, i should pee while i’m here. so i just sat there.

mimi : the fuckin same cock that fucked that yuck..in you?

Me: I know. not that he offered but the idea that he was SO TIRED that he couldn’t even talk to me.

Mimi : lol…how was his cock?

Me: I wanted to fuck him, her boyfriend. he was cute and so nice to me. really KIND Mimi. so yeah, when I peed I said omg you’re huge! he said well you’re from Texas, maybe u can be my cowgirl and ride me!

Mimi : lol

Me: it was sexy. you know, done the RIGHT way. so now what? we’ve really built something together, or at least I thought. Mimi, you know, the past 8 months with Richard has been crazy good.

Mimi : That’s why I have huge respect for Abe. He won’t do brainless shit like that…I would also be repulsed.

Me: yes I was repulsed. wish Abe was here. I need consolation!

Mimi : wish I could just zip him and e-mail him to you, baby. I would really want him to fuck my girlfriend like she’s never before… ALL night for me

Me: oh and he had the nerve to mention you, like ‘when is Mimi gonna come to NYC” please. if you came we’d be each other’s playthings. he would be UNNECESSARY! lol

Mimi : Yeah… totally.

Me: SO NOW WHAT?

Mimi : Are you on a PC?

Me: sadly, just hours before this HORRIBLE fuckup, I paid $100 for us to attend a fabulous Halloween party. so now what? is that it? even worse, Mimi, baby, is that now, fuck….I don’t know….fuck….what to do?

Mimi : yeah… take someone worthy

Me: we had major COUPLE plans like we had this whole thing planned for Halloween. now what? no…I think I wanna just cancel. should I? the party is actually Nov 6th.

Mimi : baby… Halloween is just a date on a calendar … don’t sweat it. It’s not the end of the world. You paid for the ticket?

Me: he said he’d pay me his half next wk but I had to go ahead and write a $100 check for our 2 RSVP spots. $50 each. yes….I pd for BOTH tix. he didn’t have the $$ so I pd for us both bc the RSVP was that night for $50/ea or if we waited 3 days, it would be $60 each. now what? fuck

Mimi : take a friend .. a good friend. Doesn’t matter if it a sexual friend or not..just go enjoy it

============================

i know people think food=hunger but i craved much more lately. maybe it’s all the voracious sex i have with my boytoy. i just feel more ravenous for life, truth, balance, energy since turning 40 ten months ago. that’s why i am so glad i’m back with my boyfriend, Richard. my freak.

i sense it’s a lesson on timing and being in the right place emotionally. last year i was too much a mess and now, well we’re back in each others’ lives as nature intended.

i spent last weekend strolling the High Line (amazing elevated park in NYC on the west side thus offering amazing views of the sunset in addition to fantastic skyline views to the east) with my tranny friend Barbara. she’s a professional photographer so she gave me some pointers. we both had our Canon cameras in hand. hers is way more advanced. she’s a pro but i am a mere mortal. a newbie. I have much to learn and she’s got a great eye for line, design, lighting, etc.

it was a perfectly awesome autumn afternoon. i got some amazing shots of people, buildings, flora, fauna, plants, flowers, etc. the park is really interesting.

so “hungry” is my theme today…

and i’m hungry for more….always MORE MORE MORE…more love, more sex, more expression, more photos, more food, more drink, more laughter, more truth….

Russell and some dorky 'kid' Ben Lyons with E!

Russell Brand

2 words which = liquid sex appeal


ok everyone, note that my boyfriend Richard (a virtual Russell Brand look-alike) and i are going as Russell and Katy for Halloween this year. i told Russell this fact when i stood inches from him as he autographed my book. i cannot wait. we will ROCK this shit. we are going to win as many costume contests as possible. he is so fucking sexy i go wild and since Russell and Katy are engaged, and i’d marry Richard in a heartbeat, i will enjoy channeling their love and passion.

but i digress…i am still coming off my high from getting some personal time with the man himself, yes RUSSELL BRAND in person. my first time (virgin i was! ha) seeing Russell was this week, just 24 hours ago at B&N (Barnes & Noble) at Union Square. i cannot believe the amazing video and pics i captured. i woulda taken more but i was in heat. i wanted to fuck him senseless. all night, even into day.

i will type more soon….i’ll add to this post when i can….been busy today, mentally, emotionally, cerebral neurons still firing at lightning speed from the high of seeing this VERY sexy, magnetic man in person….and lest i forget to mention, RUSSELL BRAND HUGGED ME AND SMILED AT ME WITH A HUGE GRIN THAT MAKE ME WEAK IN THE KNEES…..yet the best part? i gave him a photo of me and Richard and he loved it! really looked at it and smiled when i told him that we’re going as them for Halloween because he looks a bit like Russell…it was a cool moment.

what isn’t cool is this annoying fucking article….in the interest of fairness, i’ll include it

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/10/14/2010-10-14_katy_perry_where_are_you_russell_brand_locks_lips_with_fan_at_book_signing_for_m.html

but for the record i was there and i didn’t see this happen. i just saw him hug almost everyone in line. this whore bitch didn’t deserve a kiss with Russell as much as i did…i’m tryin to not be bitter, but…


RUSSELL BRAND AND E! HOST

so Russell was very patient. he was clearly loving the hell outta this night. he clearly loves the attention. he’s a fame whore but that’s a good thing in his case. he is just LIQUID HOTNESS AND GRAND OOZER OF ALL THINGS SEXUAL….he makes me want to, well, in the words of Will Smith, i wanna GET JIGGY WIT IT….cheery-o, love!

and there are more….i took a ton of pics…i was too excited to not snap away with my cherished kickass Canon digital camera!

 

yes, more please…Russell, you sexy beast, British boinker, lover of debauchery and all things inherently intense and passionate and sensual…damn you for making my pussy wet!  i will wait for you…then you will be mine…well not mine but at least i got a genuine moment with him! no harm in that, right?  :^)

i may be a dirty but i’m a clean one. that’s our joke. i’ve said that to richard, and he will laugh. i do have a dirty mind but i LOVE fucking him when my pussy is clean and fresh. you never know when he wants to go down on me so if he doesn’t, we do other positions, what not, i just like being ready. yep, i’m a like a boy scout–ALWAYS prepared! HA

so last night we fucked at his apt in the West Village. best part? again we watched porn. this time i remembered to give him a request.  i asked him if he had a Belladonna video we could watch. he did!  yay.  however…

that’s it. i am officially smitten. i am on a high. i can’t stop floating on air. i feel invincible. i know manic people are often like this but i swear i can’t believe how amazing my relationship is with my main squeeze. Richard and i are seriously in tune with each other. last night was something special. there was one point where i was on my back and he was fucking my pussy while we watched some BDSM porn. then he fucked my ass. a nice hard pounding. i can’t get enough. i have NEVER been this voracious! i am 40. no spring chicken. he is 43. we’ve both been around…..and we both have confessed we have been bored by past loves. it’s like ok then at some point you just KNOW it ain’t gonna work. it’s like gee, when should i bail outta this? well richard and i met 4 1/2 years ago. i joked with friends last night that in “nyc time” that’s = to 25 years. LOL

we went to a kinky party (deliciously called Lip Service) that night. we met up with 2 other couples we like. the other 2 couples left and we realizes that we’d just hangout and chillout in the red velvet lounge area before heading back to his apt one block away. however, before we went to the party, richard was the gentleman as always by offering my several LONG, delicious hits on his makeshift pipe…nothing hard…just pot. yep, nothing like maryjane to get a party going. i’d been stressed and annoyed at my money problems plus the horrific humidity that night so a little pot was just what i needed to get my groove on.  i have not smoked in AGES.

after the party, just us two, alone in his apt (both his roommates were out) we both took showers to cool off (humidity more so than heat…it was in the 70s) then after i came into his bedroom all squeaky clean, i saw he’d put on porn. I LOVE PORN and he LOVES that i love it. he loves that i watch it.

i came so hard my legs were jelly. my knees would not work. i was spent. GLORIOUSLY spent. I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW HOT HE IS….and he can’t stop telling me how FUCKING HOT i am…his words…..i ain’t on an ego trip people, he truly adores me….so here i am at 40 and FINALLY i found my man…THE ONE…..

this was special…..this week we’ve been together more than ever. his schedule was so weird this summer that we went through patches of 2 wks or 3 wks without seeing each other. sure we text’d and called and emailed but no sex, no physical…..in a way it’s been great because it’s let us get creative and verbal when maybe in person we’re just more physical…it’s all a balance and i just can’t get over how great he is.

last night we learned more about each other. we just connect so well. he is SO good to me. his cock drives me crazy. i suck him so often. i can’t get enough. i rubbed his feet last night after hours of fucking. it was nice. then he pinches my nipples and used restraints and that sent me through the stratosphere. our legs, arms, body parts were so mingling i told him i felt like we were playing Twister. LOL…  when he fucks me ass i use my submissive voice and purr for him, asking him to PLEASE let me take him all in…and he slides in and i am face down while he slides in and out slow then fast….and all the while i’m face down, head turned making the best moans ever and he is growling wild and i rub my clit. last night we came so hard at the same time. sometimes he pulls out just in time to cum squirt all over my lower back. i like that or he just gets so hot he cums in my ass…i like it rough. i love it when i am face down, he’s pounding my ass and then he grabs my hair into a pigtail and pulls HARD back on my head so my neck snaps back.  we’re getting a new black dog collar soon. one with silver hoops so he can pull me towards him and i can crawl on my hands and knees to him while he tells me what a “bad kitty” i am.

so as it gets cooler, that air has such a nice cool tinge to it, i realize i am MADLY IN LOVE WITH AUTUMN and JUST as madly in love with him…..i finally found a man who is NOT scared by or threatened by my strong personality. he GETS me…and i am crazy for him…..my god i am in love…..so in love…..last night was our 4th night together….this was a record for us…..it’s rare our schedules allow it but OMG he treats me so well…..as rough as our sex is, he is kind to me. so kind.