Archive for the ‘relationship’ Category

I didn’t think they had an open marriage…I mean maybe douchebag cocky overrated jerk Ashton THOUGHT they were ‘open’ but Demi seems too traditional to tolerate that…

YOUR THOUGHTS, ANYONE?
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The irony doesn’t escape me. I finally get outta my comfort zone and boldly hookup with a guy I met online at Fetlife…we fuck….the actual fucking is OK but certainly not great. He’s young and does the rapid fire style young guys THINK women want but it wasn’t bad just not experienced…BUT…then we went down on me and I can’t BELIEVE how hard I came…i squirted several times in his mouth and i was blown away by the pleasure he brought me. I was grateful and slap happy.  This is a pic of Jake, my P.Y.T who is 22 and i am 41…so this was a first for me and it was naughty and delightful!!!!!!!!! Jake was so cute driving us around from my apt to dinner nearby and then back to my apt to fuck like animals. He’s so cute in his car. He was so adorable and adoring, a nice combination for sure. What a delightful plaything.

I say IRONY ABOUNDS because here i go FINALLY getting sex from someone else because i’m sick of Richard fucking any underaged bitch he wants when he’s not with me and i stay faithful to him….FUCK THAT…literally and figuratively….so i finally find a nice boy to fuck on the side and he’s nice, we’ve text messaged a lot since our fuck in July and we talk on the phone, etc…then he tells me today that he, Jake, has met a girl who wants to be monogamous and he’s going to do it.  he’s sweet saying we can still “play” but we can’t actually fuck….apparently Jake’s little new girlfriend is a psycho jealous girl telling him she won’t share him. fine by me. whatever….so i won’t get to fuck Jake for awhile.  i’ll live.  so back to Richard, he’s always gotten cheap fucks on the side WHILE EARNESTLY TELLING ME I AM HIS SPECIAL GIRL….i am a world apart from them. it’s just sex, but i LOVE you, lisa….yeah yeah….i wanna vomit!  so since Richard can get his cock happy with every fucking nasty whore in town (yes, i’m bitter) then i can have my tawdry fun too. by golly i will….but i admit i wanna see and fuck and makeout and hangout with Jake….i miss the little guy….what can i say….sigh….stupid Richard doesn’t know how INCREDIBLE i am…

I MUST SAY THAT MY YOUNG LOVER JAKE DID BRING ME A WONDERFUL GIFT, I MEAN BESIDES THE INCREDIBLE ORAL SEX THAT MADE MY PUSSY PURR.   JAKE REMINDED ME HOW MUCH I DESERVE TO CLIMAX, CUM, AND BE PLEASURED AND ADORED.  I have MISSED huge orgasms. With Richard I forgot how an orgasm feels. Why?  He is selfish and only cares about HIS pleasure. Richard THINKS he is all that, God’s gift to women in the sex department but honestly, I can’t remember the last time I had ANYTHING CLOSE to an orgasm with Richard. Why? It’s ALL ABOUT HIM and he doesn’t give a shit. Once he said within a pretty casual conversation we had within the last month or so, that he wants me to be happy.  I NEARLY SCREAMED OUT IN REBUTTAL  AND SHOCK…….i said YEAH RIGHT. then he acts sooooo suprised like he’s flabbergasted that I would say that he was lying when he said he wants me to be happy. OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, baby…why wouldn’t i?  oh please. many times i doubt he wants me to be happy.  How does my happiness factor in when he is hellbent on HIS cock getting off and forgets I have needs too.  I mean sure he’s bigger cockwise and cocky-attitude-wise than most men but that doesn’t exclude him from making sure I feel that i matter. Richard can be a steamroller, blazing over my feelings.  Sure he has nice moments when he’s holding my hand and being sweet in ways but when it’s all said and done, WHY CAN’T I GET OFF AS MUCH AS HE DOES?  Why is it all about Richard’s orgasm with him seemingly forgetting that i wanna cum too! I want to get fucked AND I wanna cum and squirt with amazing orgasms. Why does he not know that?  But I digress….darn, this posting was supposed to be ALL about JAKE and how I’m bummed and a bit surprised that he’s latched onto some possessive girl who is taking him off the market. He’s 22 and I gather she’s his age or thereabouts. so who knows what ‘kids’ do these days. All I know is that I will miss that amazing mouth of his. He has impressive skills at making my pussy purr. Here is a pic of it….yeah, he was that good I gotta post a pic…

He was my first venture into naughty online fuck buddies. I met Jake on Fetlife and boy was he charming. He’s cute. He’s got a baby face. He also was good at knowing that he wasn’t going to sleepover. After fucking several hours (with condoms! i was safe.) around 1am he finally got ready and left. It was all so nice and easy. I felt at ease with him. During the night, after we got back to my place from dinner down the street, we had fun watching videos on YouTube. I had a nice time. He was cute. Such a baby face, young skin. Oh my, I thought looking at him closeup, that yeah, he IS that young….then it just made me horny as hell.  I will miss Jake licking my pussy. I didn’t like how he fucked me while dripping all over me with his body i refer to as the GREAT AMERICAN SWEATING FUCK MACHINE.  Although I had the AC blasting and it was cool as ice in my room, Jake told me that yes, he sweats a lot, and is that a problem? Um, dude, I mentioned it so YEAH it’s a freaking problem are you KIDDING ME? it’s gross. i mean i love normal sweaty sex raunch, you know when the gettin’s good, but this was like a sweat waterfall.  it was a huge turnoff for me that as he’s fucking me (him on top) with my legs on his shoulders,  and yes he’s dripping sweat in buckets. Ewww.  However, I do wanna keep in touch and he wants to also, so that’s good. For being so young, Jake was very mature and cool about things. He begged me to make HIM my boytoy #1 and said I should promote him and therefore demote Richard to #2. OH IF ONLY I COULD…..BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE I’M IN LOVE WITH RICHARD….AND  ALWAYS WILL BE….

ALTHOUGH REASON AND SENSE SAYS I SHOULD LET “RICHARD THE SELFISH MANCHILD GO RUIN SOME OTHER WOMAN’S LIFE INSTEAD….but alas, i recently accepted that I should fuck around on Richard since he LIVES to fuck around on me, and hurt me and disrespect me.  WHY DO I TOLERATE IT? i need to SERIOUSLY ask myself that question. I know the good outweighs the bad, so I hangon to him, to the ‘us’ we are when things are at the best…but he’s so HATEFUL and DEEPLY BELITTLES WOMEN at the core and that’s bothering me more than ever. the things he says and the venom he says it with sometimes makes me acutely unsettled. sure i joke about how men can be pigs, etc….but the WAY he says stuff is disturbingly so clearly doesn’t care about my feelings or honoring what we have built for 5 years. (Yes, I’m bitter and angry and fuming about it…then, now, still…)

AT LEAST I HAVE THE ORGASMIC MEMORY ….THAT LOVELY MEMORY OF MY BABYFACED P.Y.T. EATING ME OUT SO PERFECTLY THAT I CAME THREE TIMES WITHIN 15 MINUTES…IT WAS RAPTUROUS!

THIS BOOK SHOULD BE REQUIRED READING FOR ANYONE IN A RELATIONSHIP…TRISTAN TAORMINO IS INSIGHTFUL and SMART:  http://openingup.net/

I’ve been tackling this whole “my man wants to be open” thing and well, I’ve decided that I’m fine with the OPEN RELATIONSHIP thing for two reasons…

  1. if he can play, so can i…and i have!
  2. i like my freedom as much as he does so when we ARE together, it’s special, and on purpose

I say this because of my new little “toy” I found named Jake. We met via Fetlife (http://fetlife.com) which I totally LOVE and recommend for anyone with a kinky mind and curious nature. Jake’s thoughtful, funny, driven, focused, hard-working, and so complimentary. He’s 22 and i’m 41. I can’t stand the “cougar” label so let me just nip that in the bud right now. i am NOT his cougar. that is NOT my bag, nor his. he doesn’t like older women just for that specific desire or intent. when we talk the age difference isn’t a factor. he has such baby soft skin though! however, because he’s REALLY good at eating my pussy, i think i’ll keep him around.

However, I get jealous at Richard fucking some gazillion other women but I guess I can’t since I’m getting sex elsewhere, too. I do have major issues about jealousy. It’s one thing for him to fuck some skank but when he disrespects me like he did on Memorial Day, it’s unacceptable. HE CALLS OUR RELATIONSHIP “OPEN” BUT I THINK IT’S MORE “ALL ABOUT RICHARD” and so much so that I’m starting to resent being steamrolled as if my feelings don’t matter one iota.  Even open relationships should be positive, mutually supportive/respectful, and give & take. I’m just not sure he is capable of that. He cares too much about HIMSELF and anyone else will come second.

However, I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for him. When I’m with him, my heart is so happy. So much shit about life, politics, other stressors just fade away. I have such moments of true laughter and joy with him. Sometimes my heart melts when he does small sweet gestures like holding my hand and we walk around.

Relationships are such incredible human dramas. I think I’ve learned more from my talks and adventures with Richard than I have with anyone in a LONG time.  I can only hope he feels the same.

I’m sitting here alone. In my apartment with no roommates home. Place to myself and I glance at my bed still unmade, sheets disheveled and think OMG i got fucked so good on that bed. Richard did a good job. LOL…. Best part is that I still have his semen in my ass, my mouth AND my pussy. Nice. I really like his taste. I love tasting him, lips, cock, legs, hands, etc…there must be a primal reason why we like each other. i love being ravished by him. i love him tongue in my ear, my nose, my mouth. i love that right now his cum is still oozing out my pussy and my ass. His cock was SO fucking huge last night. I’ve known him over 5 yrs and yet last night he was bigger than usual. I noticed it when i first took him in my mouth but then when he couldn’t wait any longer, he turned me over and fucked my lily white ass and WOW. it felt EVERY INCH…yes i felt every freaking inch. then he’s pounding my ass but slowly this time. he said i want it slow, baby, so i can really FEEL you. every inch. i said, panting, oh baby, i feel every inch too! JUST THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

I’M CRAZY ABOUT HIS COCK. He’s crazy about my ass and pussy and mouth.

 

this is wrote to my friend but she won’t read it bc she doesn’t approve of me staying with richard so i can’t mention him or anything about him to her….whatever….it saddens me bc i want my gal pals to support my decision even if they don’t understand it….here is what i tried to send her…
BURSTING………..EXPLODING…..with manic perfection…….

pussy perfection…..HE EXPLODED IN MY MOUTH, MY ASS…..FUCK ME GOD DaMN I AM FUCKING HIGH HIGH HIGH………RICHARD DID ME RIGHT ALL NIGHT THEN WE SLEPT (CRASHED) FOR 8 HRS THEN WOKE UP, SAID “good morning, baby, lisa…” then fucked the hell outta my pussy good and right….. WAIT, BEST PART IS ACTUALLY THIS–i am sitting here writing fucking brilliant shit right now….on a roll……focused……writing…..and did i mention writing???????? fuck yeah….i am fucking INSPIRED BY RICHARD’s COCK….and how good he felt fucking me…..holy fuck…i wanted to cry…..to cum that hard….holy shit…..angels sang….i am fucking LAUGHING MANIACALLY…..IF U COULD ONLY HEAR ME LAUGH RIGHT NOW YOU’D KNOW…………i know richard is what he is……i get it…it ain’t for longterm like i want…but on some level i MUST trust my own feelings and protect my heart….i am learning so much from richard…i really am…i always did….that’s why i tolerate this open bullshit…besides, i have a choice…i could cut him off…but as long as we connect like we did last night, i have to just keep that dick coming (pun intended) and coming…..fuck i am on a high and writing like a FIEND……the concert was fucking amazing………….hall and fucking oates! omg…oh my fucking word………
soul baby, soul…..daryl hall can SING…and PLAY….that man is fucking talented as hell…..fuck me that man can FUCKING move me to tears…..he played the hell outta that voice and guitar. fucking TWO encores…TWO!!!!!!!! i was nearly coming outta my fucking body……..fuck…………richard was amazing……whole night…..it was magic……..FUCKING MAGIC……..

BEST PART? I GOT GOOD DICK……ALL NIGHT….LAST NIGHT…

I AM SO MAD BECAUSE I FEEL I FINALLY FOUND A MAN WHO ‘GETS’ ME AND MAKES ME LAUGH AND IS SMART AND FUNNY AND SARCASTIC AND….WELL….he is a pathetic, weak man because all he cares about is HIS NEEDS.  it’s always about ME sucking his cock….blow me, baby, suck my hard cock….but i’m all for balance, i mean i’m down with going down on him, right? but WHY CAN’T HE GO DOWN ON ME ONCE IN AWHILE?  he has, and i cum really hard so he knows what he’s doing…but it’s all about him….so yeah, the whole example of oral sex is a HUGE RED FLAG to me to prove that he’s all about HIM HIM HIM. sure he can be accommodating and please me, but i don’t have the good orgasms i used to and i think it’s because a part of me is holding back. why? because he’s so CLEARLY focused on HIS needs, as if my needs are leftovers.  it’s so hard for me to have an orgasm. i hate that. i wanna be a sex bombshell again. i can be. i do get wet with richard. really wet. sure he still turns me on and OMG he gets SO hard with me, but it’s stuff like the whole eating me out thing that he RARELY DOES that makes me feel like i’m being used.

HERE’S THE KICKER…..I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS KIND. LIKE REALLY A GOOD PERSON…HE’S BLUNT AND ALL AS MOST NEW YORKERS ARE, BUT THERE WAS THIS PART OF HIM THAT WAS REALLY KIND. I SEE IT IN HIS EYES. I FELT HE WAS GOOD.

I NO LONGER DO.

sure, he’s 100% truthful. i believe he is. but sadly this TRUTH he shares is pure narcissistic opinion. it’s ALL about him. and i’m realizing this week, it ALWAYS WILL BE ABOUT HIM.  i’m second,#2, to the #1 love in his life–HIMSELF.  i hate his voice. i hate hearing his voice now because now i see what a piece of shit he is….worse part? he totally thinks he is ANYTHING BUT a douchebag…WHY? oh why you ask?  because he says he’s honest with me and would give me ANYTHING i wanted except for monogamy.  gee, how nice of you.  when he said that and had the NERVE to get emotional like he’s BARIN HIS SOUL FOR ME…it’s HE who’s being vulnerable…yeah RIGHT….god i hate him…part of me NEVER WANTS TO SEE HIM AGAIN….i can’t take this OPEN shit. it’s SUCH bullshit.  i want a boyfriend. i want a RELATIONSHIP….IS IT WRONG THAT I WANT /NEED/DESERVE A LITTLE NORMALCY?  WHY IS THAT A CRIME?  WHY DOES THAT MAKE ME TRADITIONAL? I’M NOT. I JUST WANT A MORE EXCLUSIVE STATUS IF I’M FUCKING SOMEONE.  you know, that whole STD thing?  i don’t want to start itching or whatever in my pussy. i get tested regularly, just had my annual Pap Smear test and they ran the whole test panel on me to test for STDs. i’m good. i am also negative for the HIV virus. that’s great. DUH. but while i am only sleeping with Richard, god only KNOWS who he’s fucking.  he SWEARS he used protection with ANY OTHER GIRL and would never fuck some girl without using a condom…then i say, well then why don’t you use ANYTHING with me? WTF? he says “because YOU are the special one…you are my girl”…like i am special…..

NO ONE IS SPECIAL WHEN YOU’RE ONE OF MANY…THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT…HOW CAN HE NOT UNDERSTAND?

i will never see things the same as he can and i am pissed now because i invested my heart and i am just SICK…literally i feel sick when i think about his fucking women and expecting me to me just be FINE and hunky dorey with it….

I WILL NEVER FEEL SPECIAL WITH RICHARD….HE SAYS I AM SPECIAL. HE EVEN CRIED TO ME, LIKE “BABY WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME, I’VE SHOWN YOU IN EVERY WAY I CAN…JUST NOT WITH MONOGAMY. AND IT’S NOT YOU, I WOULD BE LIKE THIS WITH ANYONE. I AM NOT REJECTING YOU. I AM REJECTING MONOGAMY.”  ok i get that difference. i mean ok…i understand but i do NOT agree.  however, i will NEVER AGREE that an open relationship is the best. i will NEVER stop feeling sick at the thought of him fucking someone else. i’m all for flirting. i am. i am all for making out with other people and so forth. i am kinky too just as much as he is…HOWEVER…i draw the line at fucking behind my back when i’m not around. THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY REALLY SICK, HIDDEN, WRONG ABOUT THAT. LIKE SNEAK. SURREPTITIOUS. so what am i to do? i am heartbroken. i am alone. i feel alone. i feel like no one listens to me. my friends are like, well, then find someone who WILL treat you the way you want…but problem is, i’ve known richard 5 yrs…we have a history…i just can’t endure another breakup. i cannot. i won’t. i can’t.  WHY DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT?  WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH? WHY DOES RICHARD WANT MORE? when i am mad i just wanna vomit at the sound of his voice. why? BECAUSE ANYTHING HE SAYS TO ME IS A LIE BECAUSE IF HE REALLY WANTED TO GROW UP, HE WOULD BE IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH BOUNDARIES. THAT IS WHAT ADULTS TO.  CHILDREN ARE THE ONES WHO LIKE TO JUST FREEWHEEL IT AND ACT FLIPPANT….WELL I CAN’T LIVE WILLY NILLY AND ACCEPT HIS DATING OTHERS ON THE SIDE….WHY CAN’T I BE SOMEONE’S ONE LOVE, ONE PARTNER, ONE KINKY SEXUAL NAUGHTY GIRL? WHAT PISSES ME OFF THE MOST IS THAT he really THINKS he is a good, honest man…he thinks he KNOWS women and how to treat them. he’s not a player in his mind because he doesn’t lead women on, he doesn’t lie to them, OH NO, he’s just selfish from the start.  SO WHICH IS WORST?  SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME.

I CAN’T STOP TYPING….I’M YAWNING BUT MY ANGER MAKES ME WANT TO KEEP ON TYPING….although i feel no one reads this…

ok so open relationships work….for SOME people…and i say good for them BUT when a couple is so good together, and one insists on an OPEN relationship while the other wants to be exclusive, well i think that’s sad. really tragic. it’s like the one person who wants the open relationship SO fucking bad is selfish and is so much more in love with his own desires than to make a potentially amazing relationship work. god forbid he COMMIT to me in any concise way.  i’m mad because i really love richard. there’s been a lot he’s done for me, especially making me laugh and on a naughtier note, he really expanded my horizons sexually.  more on that later…

i still can’t forget the hurt he caused me when he fucked some skank in october. i’ve been insecure since then. i’m shocked that he doesn’t ‘get’ why i’m so insecure about “us” because he doesn’t see his actions (fucking that skank i can’t stand) as wrong so when i told him last night that it felt like betrayal, he was totally flabbergasted. he’s not stupid but he DOES think he really KNOWS women.  in his mind he’s NOT trying to “have his cake and eat it too” but rather he’s mister honesty and open about wanting an open relationship.  why can’t we just be happy and enjoy adventures together?  i hate the idea of an open relationship. it seems so shallow and my feelings for him are anything but shallow. i am for open in terms of being honest but this whole “gee, i like you a lot but i wanna fuck other people anytime”  part really grinds my gears!  he doesn’t ‘get’ that his attitude makes me feel like i’m never special. i will never be ENOUGH. i’m never sufficient. he’s 44. he will not change. he told me last night that he is so serious about his freedom that he would put ANYTHING second to his freedom. his freedom comes first. i know he’s serious. i know he is. like i told him, i’m OK with having 3-ways…i’m kinky too but i think boundaries are crucial. he wants it all open dopen lopen topen….must be nice to feel like you can date a wonderful woman like me (giving, thoughtful, adoring, funny, smart, creative, adventurous) and be FREE TO FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES…yes i’m bitter because i finally found THE ONE i have been looking for all my life and after feeling a major connection with him, i can’t shake that this OPEN relationship thing is just a huge huge point of conflict. why do i have to feel bad about wanting to just be with the guy i like….like a lot….i mean why do i have to feel so defensive? since WHEN is it a BAD thing to just be a good person, with a man i adore.  i expect he’ll never say “i love you”….i can’t imagine him being so giving.  yet, he’ll talk to me about Buddhist ideas, concepts, and how Buddhists are big on compassion. hmmm, WHERE IS HIS COMPASSION?  compassion is about being selfless whereas his wanting to fuck anyone anytime is TEXTBOOK SELFISHNESS and some say immaturity.  he’s shared SO much with me. stuff he doesn’t tell just anyone.  there is something really great about US….i don’t want to lose that. i really like being around him. i know him so well now, after the past 2 months. i say that because even he told me last night some things that were too personal to type here (i respect his candor)  but trust me, it made me feel special because i could tell he shares the info with VERY few people. in these times, i DO feel special. however, i hate his glib attitude like well, this is what i feel….sorry if you don’t like it….he’s so unrepentant. i like that he’s strong in who he is. i get that. it’s great. it’s solid. i feel he needs to really stop running away from intimacy of getting truly close. i think he’s terrified and i don’t know why. he SAYS he is scared of what we have together.

i always wanted to ask him something and last night i did…i asked him, so, baby, what’s the longest relationship you’ve had? he said 6 years. i said well, what went wrong? he said he just one day decided he and she would be better friends. that makes me feel like if he just gets a feeling, a fleeting feeling even, then i’m out the door? i mean what the fuck?

2010 was OUR year. we got back together, we did SO much together. he missed each other. it was intense. like a real boyfriend. TONS of sex. fucking constantly.  the standouts to our passion are how we can’t seem to get enough. we’ve gotten so much closer lately. he misses me. makes a ton of small gestures to make me feel special….so why am i hungup on the “open’ thing?  i don’t want to lose him. i love his smell, his cock. his hands. his humor. i love that i’ve known him 5 years. i love that we have something special…i feel for him something i’ve only felt 2 times in my life. so i am scared too. i love my freedom too.  he was too drunk to have such a real discussion. i felt bitchy.

my mind is racing…….manic mind fucks are NOT pleasant.  i’m going to bed now. yes, this is why i have such bad dreams…i fucking never sleep because my mind’s running nonstop. i think, mull over and over-think stuff.  i gotta get a grip on my life…..shit.

ok so if you red my previous posting, you know i was totally heartbroken by the man i love, fuck, adore. betrayal is so horrible it should be a four-letter word. in my opinion, it is.  HOWEVER, as bad as i hated Richard at the time and for a good 2 weeks solid after the incident, i must admit i’ve learned a lot about myself, him and us as a couple.

first, i am way too nice. second, i put others ahead of myself. my own needs seem to come second to all else. if i’m honest, this is shown in 2 major ways–my teeth need MAJOR help from bleeding gums (gingivitis is so knocking on my door) and i need to lose major weight. thirdly, i settle for second best as we never should but often do. fourth, i really REALLY love a man who can make me laugh. I love to laugh. In fact, I think I LIVE TO LAUGH. so laughter is a great medicine. trite but true.

call me crazy but as much as i hate him, i love that he’s not a liar.  my joke punchline to that is ‘yeah, he’s a real gem because he never lies–HE’D RATHER TELL YOU THE SELFISH TRUTH TO YOUR FACE!’ (ahem…)  sure he’s a dickhead, douchebag asshole for hurting me but he’s NEVER lied to me and that (all his mistakes notwithstanding) does mean a lot. of course, i know in my heart that my dad would have KICKED HIS ASS if he was alive and knew Richard hurt me so bad and so disrespected me. but he can’t, he had the nerve to die in 2006 on a fucking “deathcycle” aka Harley motorcycle. however, if ever i feel upset about something, i swear if i use the test of ‘what would daddy say?’ the answer is obvious 99% of the time.

my dear father passed in 2006 and frankly i think that is a whole other level of issues i have…namely, GRIEF and LOSS and on a more general diagnosis, if i may, i would suggest i have my biggest issues with FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. case in point?

  1. my first true love,NRW was killed in 2003 when we were both 23. i was deeply traumatized because it was a sudden, senseless murder that got even coverage in the New York Times. (no, i will NOT give a link to it her & now; i can’t.)
  2. i was adopted at birth (4 days old) and had THE best parents but when i was 25 i finally found my birthmother. SHE IS A HORRIBLE, BITTER, ANGRY, TOXIC WOMAN. she wants nothing to do with me. she says i remind her of a bad time in her life, mainly that she was forced (she was only 19 when i was born in 1969) to give me up for adoption. she’d wanted me desperately but was forced by her evil mother who was cruel to her. as a woman i feel bad for her but part of me is still a tiny sweet heart yearning for her to LOVE ME. adoptees often have ABANDONMENT ISSUES  which in my case and many others, is NO reflection on their childhood and/or adoptive parents but rather what i consider to be a primal urge to be LOVED by the MATERNAL FIGURE who carries is in her womb for 9 months. i still feel hurt by my birthmother’s vicious words i only hear of secondhand from my siblings. sometimes one of the 2 i keep in touch with happen to let it slip that Joyce (my birthmother’s name) was talking shit about how she hates me, how i am NOTHING like her, how she can’t believe i came out of her because i am NOTHING LIKE HER…blah blah….well if you saw her, you’d see how much (sadly) i DO INDEED look like her in weird DNA way (nature, not nurture) like how we have the same boobs (huge) and same calves (killer hot legs) and great skin….BUT i agree, i am nothing like her in terms of her bitterness, white trash mentality, etc. she talks shit about how i’m a snob…not true, but i admit i LOVE nice things. so what? that does NOT make me a snob! we both sing well. i mean we both amazing singing voices. i sang at carnegie hall in 1996 and she sang a solo at the 1967 world’s fair in Montreal aka EXPO 67. the silver lining in the adoption issue. the nice surprise was finding out i have 4 half-siblings (3 boys, 1 girl) who knew of me all their lives. they’d known of me but i never knew of them! imagine our tears of joy upon meeting each other in 1995. even now, i am especially close with 2 of the siblings, the middle son (J., 24) and only daughter (hence my only sister, T., now 22)

then in 2006 a mere 5 months after my dad was buried, the house was opened up to vultures who swooped down and invaded our home for the dreaded Estate Sale. seeing your life, your family memories being sold and having prices put on them was traumatic.  my mo sold our home right from under me without any consult with me whatsoever. one day a lady was walking around with a clipboard and before i knew it, the house was listed and sold within a few months. bye house. bye to all semblance of family as i’d known it for the 1st 30 years of my life. gee thanks, mom.

but let’s redirect, this is about my heart mending. as for my father, yes, time heals but only a LITTLE. i can function now without crying every hour. that’s a huge chunk of progress. i was a wreck when daddy died, so i tell myself i should be glad i can finally laugh again…which brings me to Richard, strangely enough. THE ONE EPIPHANY I HAD AFTER THE BETRAYAL WAS THAT RICHARD (despite his many fuckups and foibles) IS THE ONE WHO GAVE ME MY LAUGHTER BACK. he makes me laugh. my daddy always did. only after really feeling TRUE DEEP LAUGHTER again in my body did i realize that WOW…Richard makes me laugh so hard and i haven’t done that since dad died. Richard ain’t perfect although my Dad almost was…but i will say that feeling the laughter in my body return gives Richard major brownie points. I’m not saying all is forgiven…or FORGOTTEN (!) but yeah, we’re trying to mend it.  One week after the big incident, Richard and I were meeting up for the 1st of 2 Halloween parties where we went as Russell Brand and Katy Perry. After the first party, I sat mute on his couch and he knew I was pissed. We TALKED. i mean REALLY talked. i screamed. i vented. i ranted. i went ballistic. and for what it’s worth, Richard took all my shit. he took it like a man. let me go ballistic. i almost cried. when the storm has come and gone (so to speak) what it came down to is Richard asking me, “please, baby, how can we put this behind us? i want to move past this. i has no idea you were so upset.”…i don’t know how he couldn’t have know i was pissed but hey, i was pissed. he KNOWS it now.  we really TALKED and that’s what i want. a man who i can be TOTALLY open with 24/7. one of my favorite text messages from Richard was from the summer. he text’d me “you know you can always ask me anything. no limits”….this is why i love him.