Archive for the ‘forgiveness’ Category

I didn’t think they had an open marriage…I mean maybe douchebag cocky overrated jerk Ashton THOUGHT they were ‘open’ but Demi seems too traditional to tolerate that…

YOUR THOUGHTS, ANYONE?

ok so open relationships work….for SOME people…and i say good for them BUT when a couple is so good together, and one insists on an OPEN relationship while the other wants to be exclusive, well i think that’s sad. really tragic. it’s like the one person who wants the open relationship SO fucking bad is selfish and is so much more in love with his own desires than to make a potentially amazing relationship work. god forbid he COMMIT to me in any concise way.  i’m mad because i really love richard. there’s been a lot he’s done for me, especially making me laugh and on a naughtier note, he really expanded my horizons sexually.  more on that later…

i still can’t forget the hurt he caused me when he fucked some skank in october. i’ve been insecure since then. i’m shocked that he doesn’t ‘get’ why i’m so insecure about “us” because he doesn’t see his actions (fucking that skank i can’t stand) as wrong so when i told him last night that it felt like betrayal, he was totally flabbergasted. he’s not stupid but he DOES think he really KNOWS women.  in his mind he’s NOT trying to “have his cake and eat it too” but rather he’s mister honesty and open about wanting an open relationship.  why can’t we just be happy and enjoy adventures together?  i hate the idea of an open relationship. it seems so shallow and my feelings for him are anything but shallow. i am for open in terms of being honest but this whole “gee, i like you a lot but i wanna fuck other people anytime”  part really grinds my gears!  he doesn’t ‘get’ that his attitude makes me feel like i’m never special. i will never be ENOUGH. i’m never sufficient. he’s 44. he will not change. he told me last night that he is so serious about his freedom that he would put ANYTHING second to his freedom. his freedom comes first. i know he’s serious. i know he is. like i told him, i’m OK with having 3-ways…i’m kinky too but i think boundaries are crucial. he wants it all open dopen lopen topen….must be nice to feel like you can date a wonderful woman like me (giving, thoughtful, adoring, funny, smart, creative, adventurous) and be FREE TO FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES…yes i’m bitter because i finally found THE ONE i have been looking for all my life and after feeling a major connection with him, i can’t shake that this OPEN relationship thing is just a huge huge point of conflict. why do i have to feel bad about wanting to just be with the guy i like….like a lot….i mean why do i have to feel so defensive? since WHEN is it a BAD thing to just be a good person, with a man i adore.  i expect he’ll never say “i love you”….i can’t imagine him being so giving.  yet, he’ll talk to me about Buddhist ideas, concepts, and how Buddhists are big on compassion. hmmm, WHERE IS HIS COMPASSION?  compassion is about being selfless whereas his wanting to fuck anyone anytime is TEXTBOOK SELFISHNESS and some say immaturity.  he’s shared SO much with me. stuff he doesn’t tell just anyone.  there is something really great about US….i don’t want to lose that. i really like being around him. i know him so well now, after the past 2 months. i say that because even he told me last night some things that were too personal to type here (i respect his candor)  but trust me, it made me feel special because i could tell he shares the info with VERY few people. in these times, i DO feel special. however, i hate his glib attitude like well, this is what i feel….sorry if you don’t like it….he’s so unrepentant. i like that he’s strong in who he is. i get that. it’s great. it’s solid. i feel he needs to really stop running away from intimacy of getting truly close. i think he’s terrified and i don’t know why. he SAYS he is scared of what we have together.

i always wanted to ask him something and last night i did…i asked him, so, baby, what’s the longest relationship you’ve had? he said 6 years. i said well, what went wrong? he said he just one day decided he and she would be better friends. that makes me feel like if he just gets a feeling, a fleeting feeling even, then i’m out the door? i mean what the fuck?

2010 was OUR year. we got back together, we did SO much together. he missed each other. it was intense. like a real boyfriend. TONS of sex. fucking constantly.  the standouts to our passion are how we can’t seem to get enough. we’ve gotten so much closer lately. he misses me. makes a ton of small gestures to make me feel special….so why am i hungup on the “open’ thing?  i don’t want to lose him. i love his smell, his cock. his hands. his humor. i love that i’ve known him 5 years. i love that we have something special…i feel for him something i’ve only felt 2 times in my life. so i am scared too. i love my freedom too.  he was too drunk to have such a real discussion. i felt bitchy.

my mind is racing…….manic mind fucks are NOT pleasant.  i’m going to bed now. yes, this is why i have such bad dreams…i fucking never sleep because my mind’s running nonstop. i think, mull over and over-think stuff.  i gotta get a grip on my life…..shit.

ok so if you red my previous posting, you know i was totally heartbroken by the man i love, fuck, adore. betrayal is so horrible it should be a four-letter word. in my opinion, it is.  HOWEVER, as bad as i hated Richard at the time and for a good 2 weeks solid after the incident, i must admit i’ve learned a lot about myself, him and us as a couple.

first, i am way too nice. second, i put others ahead of myself. my own needs seem to come second to all else. if i’m honest, this is shown in 2 major ways–my teeth need MAJOR help from bleeding gums (gingivitis is so knocking on my door) and i need to lose major weight. thirdly, i settle for second best as we never should but often do. fourth, i really REALLY love a man who can make me laugh. I love to laugh. In fact, I think I LIVE TO LAUGH. so laughter is a great medicine. trite but true.

call me crazy but as much as i hate him, i love that he’s not a liar.  my joke punchline to that is ‘yeah, he’s a real gem because he never lies–HE’D RATHER TELL YOU THE SELFISH TRUTH TO YOUR FACE!’ (ahem…)  sure he’s a dickhead, douchebag asshole for hurting me but he’s NEVER lied to me and that (all his mistakes notwithstanding) does mean a lot. of course, i know in my heart that my dad would have KICKED HIS ASS if he was alive and knew Richard hurt me so bad and so disrespected me. but he can’t, he had the nerve to die in 2006 on a fucking “deathcycle” aka Harley motorcycle. however, if ever i feel upset about something, i swear if i use the test of ‘what would daddy say?’ the answer is obvious 99% of the time.

my dear father passed in 2006 and frankly i think that is a whole other level of issues i have…namely, GRIEF and LOSS and on a more general diagnosis, if i may, i would suggest i have my biggest issues with FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. case in point?

  1. my first true love,NRW was killed in 2003 when we were both 23. i was deeply traumatized because it was a sudden, senseless murder that got even coverage in the New York Times. (no, i will NOT give a link to it her & now; i can’t.)
  2. i was adopted at birth (4 days old) and had THE best parents but when i was 25 i finally found my birthmother. SHE IS A HORRIBLE, BITTER, ANGRY, TOXIC WOMAN. she wants nothing to do with me. she says i remind her of a bad time in her life, mainly that she was forced (she was only 19 when i was born in 1969) to give me up for adoption. she’d wanted me desperately but was forced by her evil mother who was cruel to her. as a woman i feel bad for her but part of me is still a tiny sweet heart yearning for her to LOVE ME. adoptees often have ABANDONMENT ISSUES  which in my case and many others, is NO reflection on their childhood and/or adoptive parents but rather what i consider to be a primal urge to be LOVED by the MATERNAL FIGURE who carries is in her womb for 9 months. i still feel hurt by my birthmother’s vicious words i only hear of secondhand from my siblings. sometimes one of the 2 i keep in touch with happen to let it slip that Joyce (my birthmother’s name) was talking shit about how she hates me, how i am NOTHING like her, how she can’t believe i came out of her because i am NOTHING LIKE HER…blah blah….well if you saw her, you’d see how much (sadly) i DO INDEED look like her in weird DNA way (nature, not nurture) like how we have the same boobs (huge) and same calves (killer hot legs) and great skin….BUT i agree, i am nothing like her in terms of her bitterness, white trash mentality, etc. she talks shit about how i’m a snob…not true, but i admit i LOVE nice things. so what? that does NOT make me a snob! we both sing well. i mean we both amazing singing voices. i sang at carnegie hall in 1996 and she sang a solo at the 1967 world’s fair in Montreal aka EXPO 67. the silver lining in the adoption issue. the nice surprise was finding out i have 4 half-siblings (3 boys, 1 girl) who knew of me all their lives. they’d known of me but i never knew of them! imagine our tears of joy upon meeting each other in 1995. even now, i am especially close with 2 of the siblings, the middle son (J., 24) and only daughter (hence my only sister, T., now 22)

then in 2006 a mere 5 months after my dad was buried, the house was opened up to vultures who swooped down and invaded our home for the dreaded Estate Sale. seeing your life, your family memories being sold and having prices put on them was traumatic.  my mo sold our home right from under me without any consult with me whatsoever. one day a lady was walking around with a clipboard and before i knew it, the house was listed and sold within a few months. bye house. bye to all semblance of family as i’d known it for the 1st 30 years of my life. gee thanks, mom.

but let’s redirect, this is about my heart mending. as for my father, yes, time heals but only a LITTLE. i can function now without crying every hour. that’s a huge chunk of progress. i was a wreck when daddy died, so i tell myself i should be glad i can finally laugh again…which brings me to Richard, strangely enough. THE ONE EPIPHANY I HAD AFTER THE BETRAYAL WAS THAT RICHARD (despite his many fuckups and foibles) IS THE ONE WHO GAVE ME MY LAUGHTER BACK. he makes me laugh. my daddy always did. only after really feeling TRUE DEEP LAUGHTER again in my body did i realize that WOW…Richard makes me laugh so hard and i haven’t done that since dad died. Richard ain’t perfect although my Dad almost was…but i will say that feeling the laughter in my body return gives Richard major brownie points. I’m not saying all is forgiven…or FORGOTTEN (!) but yeah, we’re trying to mend it.  One week after the big incident, Richard and I were meeting up for the 1st of 2 Halloween parties where we went as Russell Brand and Katy Perry. After the first party, I sat mute on his couch and he knew I was pissed. We TALKED. i mean REALLY talked. i screamed. i vented. i ranted. i went ballistic. and for what it’s worth, Richard took all my shit. he took it like a man. let me go ballistic. i almost cried. when the storm has come and gone (so to speak) what it came down to is Richard asking me, “please, baby, how can we put this behind us? i want to move past this. i has no idea you were so upset.”…i don’t know how he couldn’t have know i was pissed but hey, i was pissed. he KNOWS it now.  we really TALKED and that’s what i want. a man who i can be TOTALLY open with 24/7. one of my favorite text messages from Richard was from the summer. he text’d me “you know you can always ask me anything. no limits”….this is why i love him.