open relationships = BULLSHIT [i’m so resentful and bitter today]

Posted: April 17, 2011 in manhattan, relationship, sexuality

I AM SO MAD BECAUSE I FEEL I FINALLY FOUND A MAN WHO ‘GETS’ ME AND MAKES ME LAUGH AND IS SMART AND FUNNY AND SARCASTIC AND….WELL….he is a pathetic, weak man because all he cares about is HIS NEEDS.  it’s always about ME sucking his cock….blow me, baby, suck my hard cock….but i’m all for balance, i mean i’m down with going down on him, right? but WHY CAN’T HE GO DOWN ON ME ONCE IN AWHILE?  he has, and i cum really hard so he knows what he’s doing…but it’s all about him….so yeah, the whole example of oral sex is a HUGE RED FLAG to me to prove that he’s all about HIM HIM HIM. sure he can be accommodating and please me, but i don’t have the good orgasms i used to and i think it’s because a part of me is holding back. why? because he’s so CLEARLY focused on HIS needs, as if my needs are leftovers.  it’s so hard for me to have an orgasm. i hate that. i wanna be a sex bombshell again. i can be. i do get wet with richard. really wet. sure he still turns me on and OMG he gets SO hard with me, but it’s stuff like the whole eating me out thing that he RARELY DOES that makes me feel like i’m being used.

HERE’S THE KICKER…..I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS KIND. LIKE REALLY A GOOD PERSON…HE’S BLUNT AND ALL AS MOST NEW YORKERS ARE, BUT THERE WAS THIS PART OF HIM THAT WAS REALLY KIND. I SEE IT IN HIS EYES. I FELT HE WAS GOOD.

I NO LONGER DO.

sure, he’s 100% truthful. i believe he is. but sadly this TRUTH he shares is pure narcissistic opinion. it’s ALL about him. and i’m realizing this week, it ALWAYS WILL BE ABOUT HIM.  i’m second,#2, to the #1 love in his life–HIMSELF.  i hate his voice. i hate hearing his voice now because now i see what a piece of shit he is….worse part? he totally thinks he is ANYTHING BUT a douchebag…WHY? oh why you ask?  because he says he’s honest with me and would give me ANYTHING i wanted except for monogamy.  gee, how nice of you.  when he said that and had the NERVE to get emotional like he’s BARIN HIS SOUL FOR ME…it’s HE who’s being vulnerable…yeah RIGHT….god i hate him…part of me NEVER WANTS TO SEE HIM AGAIN….i can’t take this OPEN shit. it’s SUCH bullshit.  i want a boyfriend. i want a RELATIONSHIP….IS IT WRONG THAT I WANT /NEED/DESERVE A LITTLE NORMALCY?  WHY IS THAT A CRIME?  WHY DOES THAT MAKE ME TRADITIONAL? I’M NOT. I JUST WANT A MORE EXCLUSIVE STATUS IF I’M FUCKING SOMEONE.  you know, that whole STD thing?  i don’t want to start itching or whatever in my pussy. i get tested regularly, just had my annual Pap Smear test and they ran the whole test panel on me to test for STDs. i’m good. i am also negative for the HIV virus. that’s great. DUH. but while i am only sleeping with Richard, god only KNOWS who he’s fucking.  he SWEARS he used protection with ANY OTHER GIRL and would never fuck some girl without using a condom…then i say, well then why don’t you use ANYTHING with me? WTF? he says “because YOU are the special one…you are my girl”…like i am special…..

NO ONE IS SPECIAL WHEN YOU’RE ONE OF MANY…THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT…HOW CAN HE NOT UNDERSTAND?

i will never see things the same as he can and i am pissed now because i invested my heart and i am just SICK…literally i feel sick when i think about his fucking women and expecting me to me just be FINE and hunky dorey with it….

I WILL NEVER FEEL SPECIAL WITH RICHARD….HE SAYS I AM SPECIAL. HE EVEN CRIED TO ME, LIKE “BABY WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME, I’VE SHOWN YOU IN EVERY WAY I CAN…JUST NOT WITH MONOGAMY. AND IT’S NOT YOU, I WOULD BE LIKE THIS WITH ANYONE. I AM NOT REJECTING YOU. I AM REJECTING MONOGAMY.”  ok i get that difference. i mean ok…i understand but i do NOT agree.  however, i will NEVER AGREE that an open relationship is the best. i will NEVER stop feeling sick at the thought of him fucking someone else. i’m all for flirting. i am. i am all for making out with other people and so forth. i am kinky too just as much as he is…HOWEVER…i draw the line at fucking behind my back when i’m not around. THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY REALLY SICK, HIDDEN, WRONG ABOUT THAT. LIKE SNEAK. SURREPTITIOUS. so what am i to do? i am heartbroken. i am alone. i feel alone. i feel like no one listens to me. my friends are like, well, then find someone who WILL treat you the way you want…but problem is, i’ve known richard 5 yrs…we have a history…i just can’t endure another breakup. i cannot. i won’t. i can’t.  WHY DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT?  WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH? WHY DOES RICHARD WANT MORE? when i am mad i just wanna vomit at the sound of his voice. why? BECAUSE ANYTHING HE SAYS TO ME IS A LIE BECAUSE IF HE REALLY WANTED TO GROW UP, HE WOULD BE IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH BOUNDARIES. THAT IS WHAT ADULTS TO.  CHILDREN ARE THE ONES WHO LIKE TO JUST FREEWHEEL IT AND ACT FLIPPANT….WELL I CAN’T LIVE WILLY NILLY AND ACCEPT HIS DATING OTHERS ON THE SIDE….WHY CAN’T I BE SOMEONE’S ONE LOVE, ONE PARTNER, ONE KINKY SEXUAL NAUGHTY GIRL? WHAT PISSES ME OFF THE MOST IS THAT he really THINKS he is a good, honest man…he thinks he KNOWS women and how to treat them. he’s not a player in his mind because he doesn’t lead women on, he doesn’t lie to them, OH NO, he’s just selfish from the start.  SO WHICH IS WORST?  SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME.

I CAN’T STOP TYPING….I’M YAWNING BUT MY ANGER MAKES ME WANT TO KEEP ON TYPING….although i feel no one reads this…

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Comments
  1. AthenaVox says:

    Well guess what? Someone is reading your blog! Your honest rantings of your love life. I see you have two options: dump him or live with the open relationship.

    I could not be with someone who is fucking everything that crawls AND claims to love me. In fact if he loved me, he wouldn’t be fucking everyone else. Do you see that? Monogamy is what you want–exclusivity. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. There is a problem with you accepting less than a whole relationship. And protection free sex with a man whore?! Do I need to fly to NYC and pull you out of this destructive relationship?

    His actions do not say “I love you.” They say, “you do not value yourself.” and that is the tragedy here. He IS being honest to himself. He gets any pussy he wants. You are being disrespected and you know it! You are worthy of a man all your own. It may take a while to find him, but if you want true love, start by loving yourself.

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