open relationships have their challenges

Posted: March 29, 2011 in forgiveness, manhattan, relationship

ok so open relationships work….for SOME people…and i say good for them BUT when a couple is so good together, and one insists on an OPEN relationship while the other wants to be exclusive, well i think that’s sad. really tragic. it’s like the one person who wants the open relationship SO fucking bad is selfish and is so much more in love with his own desires than to make a potentially amazing relationship work. god forbid he COMMIT to me in any concise way.  i’m mad because i really love richard. there’s been a lot he’s done for me, especially making me laugh and on a naughtier note, he really expanded my horizons sexually.  more on that later…

i still can’t forget the hurt he caused me when he fucked some skank in october. i’ve been insecure since then. i’m shocked that he doesn’t ‘get’ why i’m so insecure about “us” because he doesn’t see his actions (fucking that skank i can’t stand) as wrong so when i told him last night that it felt like betrayal, he was totally flabbergasted. he’s not stupid but he DOES think he really KNOWS women.  in his mind he’s NOT trying to “have his cake and eat it too” but rather he’s mister honesty and open about wanting an open relationship.  why can’t we just be happy and enjoy adventures together?  i hate the idea of an open relationship. it seems so shallow and my feelings for him are anything but shallow. i am for open in terms of being honest but this whole “gee, i like you a lot but i wanna fuck other people anytime”  part really grinds my gears!  he doesn’t ‘get’ that his attitude makes me feel like i’m never special. i will never be ENOUGH. i’m never sufficient. he’s 44. he will not change. he told me last night that he is so serious about his freedom that he would put ANYTHING second to his freedom. his freedom comes first. i know he’s serious. i know he is. like i told him, i’m OK with having 3-ways…i’m kinky too but i think boundaries are crucial. he wants it all open dopen lopen topen….must be nice to feel like you can date a wonderful woman like me (giving, thoughtful, adoring, funny, smart, creative, adventurous) and be FREE TO FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES…yes i’m bitter because i finally found THE ONE i have been looking for all my life and after feeling a major connection with him, i can’t shake that this OPEN relationship thing is just a huge huge point of conflict. why do i have to feel bad about wanting to just be with the guy i like….like a lot….i mean why do i have to feel so defensive? since WHEN is it a BAD thing to just be a good person, with a man i adore.  i expect he’ll never say “i love you”….i can’t imagine him being so giving.  yet, he’ll talk to me about Buddhist ideas, concepts, and how Buddhists are big on compassion. hmmm, WHERE IS HIS COMPASSION?  compassion is about being selfless whereas his wanting to fuck anyone anytime is TEXTBOOK SELFISHNESS and some say immaturity.  he’s shared SO much with me. stuff he doesn’t tell just anyone.  there is something really great about US….i don’t want to lose that. i really like being around him. i know him so well now, after the past 2 months. i say that because even he told me last night some things that were too personal to type here (i respect his candor)  but trust me, it made me feel special because i could tell he shares the info with VERY few people. in these times, i DO feel special. however, i hate his glib attitude like well, this is what i feel….sorry if you don’t like it….he’s so unrepentant. i like that he’s strong in who he is. i get that. it’s great. it’s solid. i feel he needs to really stop running away from intimacy of getting truly close. i think he’s terrified and i don’t know why. he SAYS he is scared of what we have together.

i always wanted to ask him something and last night i did…i asked him, so, baby, what’s the longest relationship you’ve had? he said 6 years. i said well, what went wrong? he said he just one day decided he and she would be better friends. that makes me feel like if he just gets a feeling, a fleeting feeling even, then i’m out the door? i mean what the fuck?

2010 was OUR year. we got back together, we did SO much together. he missed each other. it was intense. like a real boyfriend. TONS of sex. fucking constantly.  the standouts to our passion are how we can’t seem to get enough. we’ve gotten so much closer lately. he misses me. makes a ton of small gestures to make me feel special….so why am i hungup on the “open’ thing?  i don’t want to lose him. i love his smell, his cock. his hands. his humor. i love that i’ve known him 5 years. i love that we have something special…i feel for him something i’ve only felt 2 times in my life. so i am scared too. i love my freedom too.  he was too drunk to have such a real discussion. i felt bitchy.

my mind is racing…….manic mind fucks are NOT pleasant.  i’m going to bed now. yes, this is why i have such bad dreams…i fucking never sleep because my mind’s running nonstop. i think, mull over and over-think stuff.  i gotta get a grip on my life…..shit.

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