feeling too much

Posted: September 10, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

part of being manic is knowing you are often your worst enemy. i hate my mind sometimes. i feel too much, sensory overload even when i am home in what should be a relaxing evening having chillout time. essentially when i am physically low-key i still suffer with my fucking mind that races. and races. it’s exhausting. if i could channel this in a good way that would be great but no…manic moments are so long-lasting. i hate it. it’s a part of me i just don’t show my boyfriend. i wonder if it’s all in my head because when i’m with him i am so happy, positive, grounded that i don’t feel so manic. i feel balanced more than any other time. he really does bring out the best in me…i wonder IS IT IN MY HEAD? or is it real? is it just the way my brain works? is it part of my creative process? sometimes i think it’s great for my poetry and other writing. but it’s a 2-edged sword because the downside is that i can’t rest, my mind is revving up and lightening speeds usually when i wish it wouldn’t.  no drugs have helped me. i feel so lost in that regard. natural remedies would be my first choice but nothing worked so i tried hard psyche drugs and felt SO NOT MYSELF that it scared me and depressed me. i felt i was running at half steam. not good. so i gave up and went cold turkey-no meds. since i have no health insurance, this worked out well, no worries about refilling meds, cause i got nothin’ to refill….sigh…

so my man visited family in Tennessee (i won’t divulge the town) and then he had a business mtg in Austin (he’s a freelance filmmaker so it was for a film project that could earn him some $) so he called me yesterday saying he would fly to Austin last minute and spent last night and tonight in Austin. i had fun texting him all day and last night. i told him i’d text him a few places he should visit, my favorite coffeeshop and a good vegan restaurant i think are the bees knees…then he text’d me a pic of a duck. apparently at his hotel ducks like to waddle around and come right up to the rooms and quack and quack until you give them bread. he thought the ducks were cute so he sent me the picture. it made me smile and within a few seconds he called me. we talked 25 minutes. he told me about a cool show he’d seen last night. some 80s retro group called The Spazmatics. i checked out their MySpace (how 2008) and they seem like fun.  richard was raving about them. he really had a GREAT TIME! i’d actually recommended my favorite coffeeshop (Halcyon) and he was on his way there when he heard the music and the people and stopped in at the open courtyard space with live music on the same block where they were playing. he said they were so good. he LOVED the show. he really had a great time. then today he was asking me about the bats. he text’d me awhile until it closer to sunset when the bats are in full force. i told him he can’t get lost, they’ll be many people there on the grassy knoll by the bridge and you can see the bats fly out and find insects to eat.  he flies back to NYC friday night late. before we hungup, he talked to me while i was online and i pulled up the Mets website and checked out the prices for tickets to saturday’s game. yep, on 9-11 my baby is taking my to my first ever Mets game!  they’re playing Philly. it’s not only my first time seeing the Mets play live, it’s the first time i’ll be in Citi Field. GO METS! amazingly, my baby gets me so happy and open, i always have a great time, even at sports events like the US Open we attended Aug 30th. with him, even sports is tolerable. i plan on getting a few beers and maybe fries. my man is vegetarian so i probably won’t get a hot dog but i probably will want one. it’s just something you do at a ballgame, right? we’ll see. all i know is i am going to bed tonight ASAP. gotta close this post so i can lay down, rub my clit, feel my pussy get wet just thinking of his voice (and his hard cock) and then drift off to sleep. tomorrow he flies into LGA so late, i’m just gonna wait and see him when we meet up at Grand Central (oh the romance and frenzy of that place, gorgeous building) to take subway out to Citi Field for a 4:10pm game.  GO METS!  it’s been nice to speak and text with my baby the past 4 days in a row.  even with him being in TN and now TX, i feel so close to him, i can almost conjure up his smell and that makes me horny but also deeply happy.  goodnight, everyone….sweet dreams.


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